The Not Meant To Be's (PewDiePie X OC) (Tobuscus X OC)
by insomniacfantasy
Summary: *i don't own any referred trademarks! *rated m for language and sexual innuendos (Pewdiepie X OC) I met a famous YouTuber while i was staying in a hotel for my job in VidCon 2014. But what I didn't know was that a single night could change my entire life... THERE'S TOBUSCUS X OC STARTING FROM THE NINTH CHAPTER AND IT GETS HOTHOTHOTHOT!
1. The Oppurtunity

**16th of July**

It was a day like any other, until I got the phone call from the advertisement agency I've been working as a trainee for credits. I was just so excited when i heard the news. It was usually boring in the agency, but i loved doing hardwork. And this was my one big chance to actually guarantee myself a real job there after university. I was going to work for the next VidCon.

I've always loved YouTube, even though i've never posted anything on there since i knew i wasn't interesting enough for anyone to watch. I didn't have any significant talent that would make me look "presentable" as what we call it in the advertisement business. But I truly enjoyed some of the "big" channels like Jenna Marbles, Smosh, Pewdiepie etc. and now i had a chance to actually meet them.

I had a week to prepare the materials for the VidCon. Although the real job has already been done months ago, I was assigned with handling a couple of details during the conference which was going to be held at the Anaheim Convention Center in LA. It wasn't really a long flight to LA from New York, but whether it was the fact i've never been to the Western States before, or the feeling i may have actually meet some of the people i used to look up to a few years ago, i got really excited. Also it was going to be my first real experience as a trainee, so i was kinda scared i might screw something up.

**23th of July**

I had my materials prepared. I ran it through my boss in the agency and got the green light. I WAS REALLY GOING! WOW! I had already managed to get the hard part done, so it seemed like i could actually enjoy my 5 days visit there. The conference only going to be held at the 26th-27th and the 28th but i decided to go there 2 days prior to the VidCon so i could enjoy my first time in LA. My flight was tomorrow so i packed up a few things. My work materials, a camera to take photographs of the amazing Youtubers i was probably going to meet, a bathing suit just in case i would have the time to take a quick dive, a few platform-heels although it was going to be a torture walking around in those shoes all day, and my not-so-formal-yet-not-so-casual clothes which seemed like the appropriate outfits for the event at the time.

I was informed the hotel i was going to stay was quite nearby and also it was a bit too luxurious for me to afford. Good thing the agency was paying for it. But of course the cheap bastards tried to cut of some expenses by booking me a room in a double-roomed suite. although i had to admit the pictures of the suite i found from the hotel's internet site was pretty good, so i couldn't complain except the fact i was going to stay in the same suite with a stranger. For all i knew it could be a pervert who could sneak into my room while i was asleep, rape and murder me. But there would be locks on the room, right? heh. Either way, i knew it was going to be an adventure.


	2. The Guy In The Next Room

**24th of July**

I had a good flight to LA. I had a small mix-up in luggage claim part but that didn't matter, i was ecstatic with the fact i had finally arrived to the Golden State for the first time. I had been living in New York, practically rotting in dormitories for the last seven years, although when i got into collage two years ago my parents afforded to rent me a small studio nearby Manhattan which came in handy since it was close to my university. But except that I've never been to anywhere else in the USA. And this place... was magic. As soon as i got out of the airport i felt the change of setting. The weather was different, the scent in the air, oh, and the people looked different too. I didn't know if i should get a cab or take the metro. As the student i was, i didn't have a lot of budget, but i said "What the hell" and got a cab, because i knew carrying a luggage in the public transportation was quite a pain in the ass. The moment i got to the hotel, I realized this was also the first choice of the Youtubers who were going to attend to the conference. I even saw Shane Dawson and his girlfriend, he was the first Youtuber who made me get a Youtube account in order to suscribe to his channel so that i could keep up with his videos. Geez, i was a total fangirl of almost everyone in the lobby even it was for a short period of time. But, without being a bother to anyone i checked-in and went up to my room.

The suite was just as shown in the pictures, it had a great view, a small counter next to the not-so-mini-bar with a kettle and some teas/coffee mixes on the top. It also had a TV which i would consider quite big just across a comfy looking sofa. It looked like the person who i was going to share the suite with hadn't arrived so i decided to go in to their room and loot some free stuff which was left by the hotel management. But, it was locked as predictable. I settled my stuff in the wardrobe in my room, good thing my room had it's own bathroom since i wouldn't like to share my shampoos or the shitter with a stranger.

After i unpacked, i went to the shared part of the suite, picked up a beer from the minibar. That was something i would never do if i was paying for it myself, but the agency got all my expenses covered and i felt like i deserved it since this was my first real assignment.

Just as i sat down at the sofa, beer in one hand, TV remote on the other, i heard the suite door being unlocked. I saw a dirty-blond haired guy standing in the doorway, dragging a small luggage in. I knew him, but i wasn't really sure how to approach to the situation. I used to watch his videos when he was nothing big on Youtube, but a little while ago i came across his channel and i saw that he had about 20 million subscribers. That's a fucking lot. He was a handsome guy, i suppose. But this wasn't really a "dream come true" moment for me. While i was lost in my thoughts a voice i knew so well said "Hello, are you the guest staying in the next room?" Not knowing what would happen in the next few days i answered "Yes". After a really short introduction he went in the other room to unpack, being the friendly creature i am, i asked, still sitting on the sofa "would you like a beer too?" He stood in his room's doorway with a tired smile on his face, nodding his head yes. As he went back in his room to continue unpacking, i headed towards the minibar and took out a cold beer, and i got lost in my thoughts again. There was something about him. I had met a lot of guys before but I have never felt this "different" before. At that time i just assumed it was because it was the first time a had a chance to befriend a celebrity. i knocked on his half opened door before entering his room, he almost finished unpacking. I handed him the beer, he said thanks with that tired smile on his face again.

-It was a long flight. he said, almost throwing himself to the bed, nearly spilling his beer.

-How long did it take to fly here from Italy? i asked, accidentally making it obvious i was a "bro".

-I actually flied here from Sweden, and it was like thirteen hours.

-Oh i thought you lived with your girlfriend in Italy. as that sentence came out of my mouth i realized it must have been creepy for him that a complete stranger knows about his personal life. He went silent for a bit with a slight frown on his face and suddenly i found myself in an apologetic state;

-Sorry, i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, nosing in so much. i said without looking straight at him out of pure embarrassment.

-It's not that... he quietly said. "We had a fight and i was staying in Gothenburg for the last few days" he continued his sentence, looking a little down.

-Forgive me, i didn't mean to bring a bad memory up, i didn't know. he faked a smile and said;

-It's okay. Cheers!

We had a beer, and another beer, followed by another until we ran out of beers in the minibar. we were in his room, on his bed, and i felt quite comfy, and happy in a way. i made a new friend, and he was a fun guy. And with the beers flowing, i got tipsy and more comfortable around him, i assume it was the same way for him because during the hours we spent sitting and just talking on his bed, he occasionally poured his heart out to me about his fight with his girlfriend. I understood that he was really in love, but somehow i felt a little sad. Jealous? maybe. but it wasn't like i had a chance with this blue-eyed gorgeous guy.

Around 11pm he exclaimed:

-Shit, i'm supposed to meet up with Toby 10 minutes later! and he jumped out of the bed.

-Can't you just blow him off? i asked a bit drunkenly catching him by the wrist. he was kinda surprised i guess, and confused. he just looked at me for an awkward second or two.

- I-i mean, you are tired and beer makes people even sleepier, so maybe you should lay low for today. i tried to explain myself, trying to wipe the idea of me implying something from his mind.

- You're right, but i really want to get some fresh air, he said.

- Well, maybe, WE can head out to get us some more beer and come back here to drink until we pass out? i suggested.

- That's a good idea bro! he said with a real smile on his face. His smile was beautiful...


	3. The O-Two-Sixteen

**25th of July (AM)**

After our quest for beer at midnight, we successfully sneaked a dozen of beers into the hotel room thanks to my huge handbag and his backpack. We immediately put them in the minibar, so they would cool up a bit. I was truly tired, so i change into my pj's which basically consisted of a XXXL shirt i got from Walmart. when i head back to his room the door was open and he was changing into his pajamas too. he already got his sweatpants on and he was searching for a t-shirt from the bottom drawer. i just stood in the doorway, watching him and i didn't realize he saw me.

-See something you like? he said jokingly, getting into the old pale blue t-shirt he found.

-Sorry, you're not my type i said, hitting him on the arm playfully and then i threw my self on to the bed.

he laid beside, facing towards me. and asked:

-So, do you like playing video games?

-Kinda, but i mostly like watching them. When we were little, my brother used to play games and i used to watch.

-Then let's play! he said as he reached for the laptop case that was standing on the table next to his bed.

-Sure. i said, hesitatingly. "You set up your thingies and i'll go grab us some beers"

As i made my way to the minibar once again, there was an unfamiliar feeling in me. It was like a mixture of excitement, sadness, hope and desperateness. i was really excited because i got to be this close with a person i once was o fan of. i was sad because nothing could ever happen between us. i felt hopeful because this could actually lead on to a great friendship. i was desprate because i just wanted him so much, but i didn't even know how i feel for sure.

grabbing as much as beer as i could, i went back and he had already prepared his laptop, took out his mouse pad and high-tec looking mouse. i squatted down beside him.

-What are you gonna play? i asked.

-Something from the classics i think. How about Amnesia? I'll find a new custom story recommended by my bros.

-Yeah, why not. I've always wanted to play that game, but couldn't dare to when i was alone.

-Oh come on then! he pointed to the space he opened up between his legs, right in front of the laptop.

-Oh no, i meant "watch you play". i said.

-You know you want to. he said playfully, raising an eyebrow and making a funny/creepy face and he literally dragged me between his legs. his hands reached for the keyboard and the mouse to start the game, under my arms. i felt truly weird. it was so painful, being so close to him yet being so far. not being able to touch him when i could feel his breath on my neck. this was a real torture. i could smell the faded scent of Jean Paul Gaultier Le Male...

-before we start, i just want you to know, if you scream "BARRELS" right next to my ear, i will hurt you Felix. i said in the most innocent way i could do. he laughed a little, and so, i started playing.

it hadn't been long since the game started, but my "sanity" level was really low, just like in real life at that moment. i was literally going crazy because of the handsome Swede behind me. We were almost intertwined. But i tried to concentrate on the game, and the dark corridor i was going through. BAM! A teleporting naked guy was thrown at me. I was so frightened that i didn't realized i turned around and burried my face into Felix's chest when i screamed. and as soon as i noticed what i was doing i looked up. i've never seen him like this before. he had a serious look on his face and his lips were semi open. Even today, I still don't know how i dared to do that but i kissed him. everything was so blurry for less then a second, i was intoxicated by the sweet taste of his lips. he pulled himself away. suddenly i had realized the mess i've made and jumped out of the bed.

-I am so sorry. I am so so sorry Felix, i really didn't mean to do th- i forgot what i was going to say as he got up from the bed, standing as close to me as he could. he didn't say a word. he raised my chin up with his finger and kissed me on the right side of my lip. i let a big breath escape my lungs. he looked into my eyes. i wasn't really sure if this was actually happening. i could have passed out and be dreaming right proceeded to kiss me on the other side of my lips. i was barely keeping myself under control, and then... i just lost it. i pushed him down to the bed. and from what i remember, i saw the 02:16 writing on the screen saver of the laptop, as i pushed it away. i got onto his lap, leaned over him and started kissing him. i pulled my self away to breath when i realized he wasn't showing any emotions. i was gasping for air, resting my forehead on his, and he suddenly took me strongly by the waist. we rolled and now he was on top of me. the room was rather dark, but i could see his piercing blue eyes. his dark blonde hair was tickling my cheeks. his lips were beautiful. everything, everything about him was beautiful.

he grabbed me by the hips pulling our bodies closer. my baggy shirt got hiked up as i wrapped my legs tightly around his waist. i knew what was going to happen next, and i wanted it so bad. my body was aching for him as he passionately kissed my neck leaving bruises that i would love to have for the rest of my life. my fingers lingered around his waist band, eager to get him out of every piece of clothe he had on. and so i did. i felt like he was all mine now with all his glory, just the way i was his. our bodies belonged together through the sweat and moans.

the night went on, and by night i mean the early morning because it was 4AM when he fell asleep right beside me. i remember watching him sleep and i remember thinking to myself "i could get used to this". but i also felt guilty as if i had taken advantage of a heart-broken man. i didn't want him to wake up, because i knew that once he woke up things would have been changed. he would probably ignore me for the rest of our stay and act as if nothing happened. but i didn't want to think about what was lying ahead of us at that so very peaceful moment. i went back to my own bed, escaping the sight which made me felt unwell and worried.


	4. The Fast-Fall

**25th of July (PM)**

I woke up to the voice of a door being unlocked, followed by a female voice with a funny accent. I was hung-over and had a massive head-ache. I picked up my phone from the floor and it was 14:16. I found it funny since 12 hours ago i was over the moon and now i was in the rock bottom. i fell too fast from too high above because i knew who the voice belonged to. i convinced myself last night didn't happen, and even it did, it didn't matter anymore. i dragged myself out of the bed, straight to the shower. i had to get rid of the smell of sin. actually that was just an excuse, i just didn't want to witness the heart-warming scene right outside my door or even hear them making up. I knew that it was the best for Felix, but i just couldn't bare the fact that guy i fell for over a night just slipped through my fingers. i took a shower, and did my make-up. put on some clothes, packed my bag. i couldn't stay. but of course i couldn't have left for the sake of my future career, i just had to find another place to crash, far away from what i've experienced last night. if only i could find the nerves to face the loving couple for a short goodbye. i slightly spaced my door to take a sneak peek of what was waiting for me in the shared part of the suite. they weren't in there, but i could still here them talking and laughing from the room which was a home for our lust last night, as if nothing had actually happened. i made my way to suite's exit and i left, not looking back.

i found a rather humble family-ran motel and checked myself in. it wasn't quite as close to the convention center but it was the best i could find on such short notice since it was the high season.

**26th of July**

I had to get up early, duty was calling. I put on my best outfit, since i knew how important first impressions were on people. some gorgeous pink pumps and a dark blue cotton dress with a fair amount of cleavage. First rule of business: be presentable. I was representing a Fifth Avenue advertisement agency there, so it was essential for me to be the quite darling in every way. i was a servant, and the way i served a lonely man the previous night... being a substitute for his girlfriend. very classy of me, huh?

first day at work went pretty smooth, i got to meet some other youtubers too and i actually felt happy almost as much as i did when i met Felix. of course i knew what NOT to do now: don't get into their bed or let them get into your heart. i kept praying not to run into the beautiful Swede and his astonishing lady. but that didn't really work... there they were, happy as ever, conversing with some other big shots. at least i knew what i was feeling now. i was sad, lonely and i was damn jealous of what they had. it all happened so fast, i still could easily make myself believe it was just a dream. but i was sure i tasted heaven and now i was being punished for it in the depths of hell, burning in flames, burning even brighter with every sound they made.

through this self pitiful thoughts, i didn't realize that the man who was sleeping next to me yesterday, was looking at me, trying to be discreet as possible. for a moment there i saw confusion and guilt in his eyes. he knew what he had done made me runaway without even saying a word. but that didn't really matter, did it? or else he would have come to me, even if he acted like nothing had happened, a kind word from his mouth would have put me at ease. i didn't even expected an apology. though there wasn't something to apologize about. it had happened. it wasn't planned or predicted. it was pure instinct. pure lust. it was an illusion for me that i could actually have something too good to be true.

i couldn't stand it. as soon as i had a chance, i called my agency, reporting in that i had completed my work here already and wish not to stay

any longer.

it was 10PM at the convention center and we were closing the doors, everyone had left except for the staff. i was picking up my stuff from the lounge reserved for people like me, people from catering, advertising or hosting agencies. but when i heard a voice that warmed my heart coming from the corner of my eye, i froze on the spot.

-I'm sorry it went down like this. said Felix with a serious face, which immidiately triggered the memory of the time i've first kissed him.

-It's okay, it wasn't really a shocker anyways. also, it's for the best. you did mention how much you loved her to me once or twice... i said faking a little smile on my face, trying to hide away the fact i was truly hurt.

-That's bullshit!

i made eye-contact, because i had to know what he was trying to say. he continued:

-I just don't want you to think it didn't mean anything to me. But i couldn't risk losing everything i've planned for my future, the only woman in my life for so long.

i stood there. not moving, not saying anything, lost in his blue eyes. i walked towards the door, passing him by, but holding on for a short second when my arm swung by his. this was meant to be our last goodbye.


	5. The Two Little Dots

**12th of August**

It was an average day, in my average home, on my average couch, staring at my average TV. Everything was average. A perfect, calm, lazy, hot summer day. It had been this way almost every day ever since i came back to New York. of course for the first couple of days back here, i made a habit of crying myself to sleep replaying that night with Felix over and over again in my mind. but life went on. guys at the agency were fairly satisfied with my work, even if it was just for a day.

But today wasn't so average anymore when i realized something that froze the blood in my veins. i was late. almost two fucking weeks late. i tried to make myself believe that it was just stress or the change of weather or anything other than the fact i could be carrying the Swede's baby.

**14th of August**

I had tried so hard to not face my fear, but two sleepless nights led to a decision. "i should get a pregnancy test" was all that had been crossing my mind since i woke up from a restless nap. funny how peeing on a stick could turn your life upside down.

an hour later i was sitting on the white marble floor of my bathroom, staring at the two little dots. i didn't even have enough power to shed a single tear. i knew what i should do, one way or another. i had my savings on the side, i could easily afford an abortion but something inside me tempted me, convinced me that Felix should at least know. but how? i couldn't have written a letter saying i was carrying his child and send it to his fanmail P.O. box and i certainly couldn't have flied to Italy, walk up to the doorstep of the house where he was living with his girlfriend. i was lost, no where to be found.

**25th of August**

"Ha ha ha, hooow's it going bro's?!" I had been spending most of my spare time on YouTube, watching Pewdiepie's videos and also Marzia's. Gosh, they were perfect. A handsome guy and a pretty girl, going on to their 4th year. Although i hadn't seen a new video of them together for a while now. I had changed my mind about telling Felix, and i had mixed feelings about the abortion. I still couldn't got myself to schedule the operation. I just couldn't. Ever since i was 15 i have always wanted to be a mother one day, and i was already 4 weeks pregnant. But of course this was not the way i planned it. I was supposed to graduate college, get a steady job, meet the love of my life, have a beautiful wedding, and one day announcing my husband i was pregnant by surprising him with a baby sized shirt that read "I love my dada". one out of five, heh, at least he could have easily been the love of my life.

I wasn't a strong believer in god, but i knew for sure some grater power had our fate written even before we existed. could this be how my life was supposed to work out? was this a part of the great plan? either way i couldn't have afford a baby on my own, not economically, not physically not mentally. and i was sure as hell my family wouldn't support a child out of wedlock.

I was waiting for a miracle, but i didn't know i might actually get what i wished for...


	6. The Miracle

**1st of September (AM)**

My Junior year was about to start in 2 weeks. If i was going to have the abortion, this was my last chance. i was considered a quite skinny girl and so i started growing a cute little baby bump even though it was only my fifth week. I knew i didn't have any other choice, so when i woke up that morning i was certain that i would contact an abortion clinic. It was a hard time i was going through, but considering the pains i had endured in the past, it couldn't have been that hard to deal with a small surgery by myself.

New York had always been loud, but that morning at 5AM, there wasn't a single sound, so i had no trouble noticing the engine noise of a car which was parking right in front of my apartment. My neighbors were weird people, it was like an AA meeting building, so i assumed it was one of them, returning from partying out till morning.

I was busy contemplating about how screwed i was when i heard a slow knocking on my door. It was actually creepy since let alone in this hour, i NEVER had visitors over. I hesitatingly spaced the door without unlocking the chain lock. It could have been a murderer, but i guess at that point dying didn't seem like the worst scenario after all. i peeked from the small space, seeing non-other than the dirty blonde haired man i loved standing with arms crossed on my hallway.

- Um... Hi... i said, and i didn't even realize that i haven't opened the door fully yet. i was so shocked that i wasn't completely conscious of my actions.

-Are you going to let me in? he said with an angel-like voice. i said "oh, sorry about that" as i let him in.

I could read an emotion from his face, but i wasn't sure what that emotion was. was it shame?

-Are you okay? you look like you've just seen a ghost or something. he asked in a worried way. i didn't know what to say. in fact, i didn't want to say anything at all, because i knew as soon as i opened my mouth i would start crying. trying to hold the tears in, i shrugged him off:

-I've been feeling a little sick lately, that's all.

there was an awkward silence for a minute which felt like an hour. so interrupted the silence asking what he was doing here.

-I know you would like to never ever see me again, but i felt like i needed to see you. he said touching my arm softly. i stepped back. i felt angry. he was so selfish and he couldn't have even imagined how he ruined everything by showing up.

-How's Marzia? i asked, facing towards the window of my living-room, trying to hide away the bad feelings that were rushing through my every cell.

-I wouldn't know.. he sighed and continued "It has been a while now since we broke it off"

I felt a little spark flaming in my heart, burning up all the way to my throat with a gleam of hope. But no, i wasn't going to give in to this false hope.

-I'm sorry, i knew what she meant to you. "your future", that was what you told me, right? i couldn't help but sound deeply hurt. he approached me from the back, putting his hand on my waist.

-No! i cried, pushing his hand away. "I won't fill in the gap for her until she decides to come running back to you again!"

-I'm sorry, i didn't mean for things to work out the way they did back th-

-NO! You don't even know what you should be sorry for Felix... i said, as i took his hand with tears running from my cheek and placed it on my belly. "That's what you've done to me. I'm used to the heartbreaks, but not to this burden you've left me all alone with."

His expression was like a 5 year old child's who was lost in the mall. Confused, scared.

- I-i... he just stood there looking right into my eyes.

- Sorry, i didn't mean to make a scene Felix... it's okay, don't worry, i'll have the abortion and you can just move on with your life. It'll be as if we've never met. As if i had never fallen for you, and as if you were never here... i felt so numb because of the sadness that took over my body that i couldn't even cry anymore.

- It doesn't have to be this way! i could hear how upset he was from the tone of his voice.

- I don't suppose you suggest we live happily ever after in a big big castle. i said sarcastically.

he came closer, there wasn't even an inch between us. he put his hand on my cheek.

- I can make this right... I can afford to financially support a family, OUR baby. I can be here holding your hand through this. I can be there for our son or daughter. I can-

-What about me Felix?! i yelled as i cut his sentence off and pushed him away. "I was supposed to have a future, a career and a REAL family, with a husband by my side and with a baby -that won't be called a bastard for the rest of its life- on the way!"

- I was going to say "I can love you"... I came here not knowing i was going to be a father, i came here to tell you i need you. So don't make it sound as if i wouldn't want this if it wasn't for the baby!

I was baffled. He could love me? He needed me? what was that even supposed to mean. But all i knew was that i felt happy for the first time since that night in LA.

- So what now? i asked after a minute or two, relieved, and with a smile on my face which obviously filled him with hope.

- Maybe we can discuss it over a dinner tonight? he suggested with the most heart warming smile i had ever seen.

- Pick me up at seven?

and so he left after placing a kiss on my forehead, altering everything i had figured out for my life. and i knew he was going to return for the night.


	7. The Black Spaghetti

**1st of September (PM)**

Thoughts were rushing through my mind: Does he mean it? Can we actually make it happen? What about my college, my future? My internship will go to waste... My parents will hate me! What if he decides he can't do this, when it's already too late for abortion? What if they get back together with Marzia? What will he say to people? Would he hide me and his own baby from the world, his bro's?

I picked out an ice blue flared dress with a thin black belt on the waist, which was -for some reason- hidden in the depths of my wardrobe. Oh, and my shoes, my favorite black patent leather platform pumps. I HAD to look my best tonight. He was going to take me to "Al di Là" which was a pretty romantic Italian Restaurant. It was also on Fifth Avenue, nearby the agency which i was soon going to drop out of my internship. It was all happening so fast, a bit.. too fast. I was getting carried away, which i had learned, was a bad thing to do. I had always gotten carried away in the past, an it all led to excruciating heartbreaks. But i didn't care anymore. I had already hit the rock bottom, i could have only gone up from there.

It was 18:45 when i had done my make up and my hair.

It was 18:56 when i had gathered up my purse.

It was 19:02 when i was excitedly looking out of my window, ready for our actual first date.

It was 19:15 when i said to myself "You know how the traffic rush gets in Manhattan, especially in the evenings."

It was 19:30 when i decided to pour myself a glass of wine i kept on the top of the cupboard. i was saving it for a special occasion, but hell, my mental state was VERY"special" at that particular moment. I had always been a girl who gets her hopes up so easily, as well as losing them.

It was 19:31 when i heard a knock on the door. I knew it was him, i could smell his Jean Paul Gaultier. I straightened my dress and put on a smile before i opened the door.

-Well well well, our guest of honor finally decided to show up.

I wasn't even angry about him being late anymore when he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in for a kiss.

-I'm not familiar with the whole "rush hour" thing, i couldn't predict how long it would take to get here, i'm sorry.

-Now that you're here it's all good Felix. i said, between the small childish kisses and giggles. i continued:

-Would you like to come in for a while, or are we heading out already?

-Well, i pushed our reservations to 9, so i wouldn't mind hanging out with an astonishing lady for a while. he said, with the cutest grin on his face.

But it didn't take long until a tension filled the room, he saw the wine bottle i had just opened.

-What's that?

-What's what?

-On your kitchen table.

-Oh... I just... I, uh... I thought you ditched me so i...

-You know you shouldn't, no matter what!

-I just...

-Nevermind, really...

I guess he saw how sorry i was because before i could say anything he went on:

-Please don't, ok? I want our baby safe and sound.

-Felix I didn't even take a sip, so, no worries.

It was a total waste of a perfectly fine wine, but i knew he was right and i wanted to show him i agreed, so i threw the bottle away. Soon the tension was replaced by a warm feeling as we were on the sofa, zapping channels on my cheap-ass TV. I laid on his chest, his hand was on my belly. That's when I felt the belonging, i felt as if everything was going to be alright. It was nice, just sitting there like a married couple, making fun of the Kardashians. I felt somewhat right. I knew there was a long hard path waiting for us, but with Felix on my side, i had a feeling it might be okay.

We went to Al di Là, he was kind enough to not order some wine after the controversy we had earlier. We ate black spaghetti, which was basically a pasta made with squid ink. It was kinda salty but we both enjoyed our dinner which was followed by a chocolate coupé with nut sprinkles on top. Besides the time he called the waiter "bro", the night went quite smoothly.

-The place i'm staying is really nearby. Um... Would you like to come over, maybe stay for the night? he asked as he ran his fingers through his hair,before starting the ignition.

-I don't give in on the first date, honey. i said in a teasing way.

-No, i wasn't trying to imply th- Wait... You DO realize you are pregnant, with my child. Right?

-That doesn't matter, it's our first date! i said smirking.

-Are you serious? he skeptically asked.

-Look Felix, i want to make this in the rightest way possible even though the situation we're in is so wrong.

-Make "what" exactly?

-You and me work.

-OK then, no pressure. But it's getting late, i would really rather if you stayed with me tonight.

And so, we drove past Central Park and arrived at Hilton. That place was really fancy. From the moment we had entered the lobby of the hotel, i immediately felt like a VIP. I was used to the crappy dorm rooms and tiny studios which were practically falling apart, and this was... just the opposite.

We went up to his room. After realizing the gorgeous city view his room had, the first thing that drew my attention was the computer and recording equipment that had been set on the table right across his bed.

That's when it hit me. This was real. This was actually happening. He was a man who had millions and millions of fans. Other men wanted to be him, women wanted to be WITH him. But he was right there, standing beside me, trying to get the key-card to the socket to turn the lights on. He was funny, a bit clumsy, handsome, caring. And for that moment, all i cared about was the fact that he was all mine.


	8. The Introduction

**2nd of September**

The previous night was quite peaceful. I fell asleep almost as soon as we got to the room. And in the morning, I woke up to the most amazing feeling ever, his arms were practically wrapped around me. I could've just stayed there for the rest of my life, watching the chest of the man i love going up and down with every breath he took.I glanced at the alarm clock over his shoulder, it was 10 o'clock. There was no way for me to get up without waking him up.

-Wake up sleepy-head. i said in almost a whisper and kissed him on the nose.

-What time is it? he sleepily murmured without even opening his eyes.

I got on top of him, leaned over his body:

-Around 10.

i gave him small kisses starting from his jawline, nibbling around behind his ears and working my way down to his neck.

-Don't tease me like that, or i may not be able to control myself. I'm only a man, you know...

-I want you Felix... i whispered in his ear while my hands were cruising on his sides

-But last night you sai-

-Well, I changed my mind. We, the pregnant women, don't tend to be quite the consistent type.

-I'm not going to argue that. he smirked.

I slid my way down to the jeans he had on from last night. As i unbuttoned his jeans he grabbed me and pulled me up, rolled me over and now he was on top, pressuring me with his weight. I gasped:

- Fe-Felix...

- I want to feel every inch of your body, not just your mouth.

Never for a minute, i closed my eyes. I wanted to watch him, with all his beauty, kiss me, undress me, go back and forth on me, scream my name. I hadn't been this happy since... never actually. With every voice he made i felt even more ecstatic. I had been waiting for this over a month, i had no intentions of not cherishing even a single second of it.

After we were done doing the "deed" and much more, i went to the bathroom to take a quick shower and get ready for the day. I heard Felix speaking, when i got out of the shower. I spaced the door just a little bit so that i can see what he was up to. He was in front of the computer when i saw him saying "Fridays with Peeeewdiepieeee" in a high pitch. I felt as if i was stuck in the bathroom. I couldn't have gotten out wrapped in just a towel, but i didn't know how long it would take, so i took a deep breath and ran across the room, behind Felix, and got to the wardrobe which was out of the view of the camera. He must had seen me and he said:

-And that naked girl who just quickly passed by, is my girlfriend bro's. Would you like to meet her? What? What did you say bro's? Was that a "YES!"? Alright then! Milady, why don't you come and introduce yourself to my bro's? he said looking at me with a smile on his face.

I froze. He was ready to go public. I had never even imagined he'd do this in such a short period of time. When i realized he was still staring at me and was serious, i said, giggling:

-FELIX! I'm kinda naked right here? Would you mind if i put on some clothes first?

-Ok bro's, you heard the lady, we'll do a few more question and answers and at the end of the video i'll introduce you to the mystery woman!

I was in a panic, i wasn't sure if i was ready for this. But i didn't really had much time to think about it, nor had a choice. I couldn't had just said no, right? Right... I put my ice blue dress back on since i didn't have anything else with me and made an entrance to the video by hugging felix behind and saying hello to the camera in the cutest way i could.

-Oh look bro's, here is the girl of my dreams! he said turning his head to me and kissing me on the cheek. I laughed and shoved his head away jokingly. I didn't know what i should say or do. I was just a stranger to his fans and I wasn't Marzia, the girl they were used to. In a way i thought, that's not who i was just to his fans but also to Felix. He didn't know where i was actually from, or which school i went to. I wasn't even sure if he knew my age or, hell, my surname! He didn't know me any better than his fans did now.

I was so lost in my thoughts while i was faking a cute smile, still hugging him from behind, that i didn't even realize he had already bro-fisted the camera and ended video. I only got back to the real world when i heard him worriedly asking, facing his chair towards me:

-Hey, why the long face?

-What do you know about me? i just blurted it out without even thinking.

-What do you mean? I-

-Who am i? Where am i from? When was i born?

-You are (name/surname), you are from (country) and you were born in February 1992, ten days before valentines day. he said with a smarty tone in his voice.

-Wait... How do you... I've never told you these things about myself.

-How do you think i found out where you lived?

-I... I didn't really think about that i guess. But really, how?

-First, i contacted VidCon organization team and found out your agency and your surname. Then, I called your agency to learn about your where-abouts. And i have to confess, i Google'd you in the process. So... yeah... I'm a stalker, what can i say? he explained while i was gaping at him. he continued, intertwining his fingers with mine with a more serious face now:

-I told you, i needed to see you, and i was willing to go into any trouble to find you.

i leaned over to him and pushed my lips into his. I hadn't ever kiss someone that passionately in my whole life. This man... was all that i've been waiting for since i was born.


	9. The Bad Decision

**9th of September**

We had been together almost all the time with Felix since our first date, it had been about 3 days now since i picked up a few essential stuff from my apartment and i had been staying in his hotel room ever since. But we weren't in the room most of the time. I was showing him around city, constantly running into "bro's". That had actually started to become a problem because i really started to _show_. It was still a small bump but it was visible now through tight-fitting clothes.

He was also usually busy when we were in the room, recording and editing his videos. I used to get bored sometimes and head out to Starbucks which was almost around the corner. I used to take my laptop there and went on YouTube. I have to admit, after Felix had become a part of my life, i started to go on YouTube a lot, too much even. but i didn't usually watch Pewdiepie, i watched Cry and Tobuscus and Jacksfilms and practically anyone that i came across.

But today it was different. Felix wanted to take me out when he was supposed to record a new "Let's Play". We went to Astro, which was a small but homey diner in a 10 minutes walking distance. Even holding his hand while walking down the street was making me feel me over the moon. I was in love with the Swede, and we were going to have a family. I was looking forward to every little detail throughout our journey. But i didn't quiet enjoy the fact that i had to go with the flow. It wasn't certain where we were going to live. It wasn't certain if we would even stick together. Hell, i hadn't even told my parents that i was going to have a baby yet. Well, sooner or later they were going to realize it since i put my junior year on hold. They were the ones who were paying for it, and since i took a leave of absence from the classes they were going to find it out when i go to college one extra year. What was i thinking!? Was i planning to not introduce them to their grandchild?

We had arrived at Astro and as soon as we sat down i ordered scrambled eggs and bacon. it was my sixth week and i had already started eating for two. When our meals were served, he started to speak in a serious tone:  
-I have something to tell you.  
- Uh-oh that doesn't sound so good...  
-Well, it depends on what you decide.  
-What is it Felix?  
-You know, um, there are a few YouTube convention's held in USA, and one of them called "Playlist" has been arranged for next week. It usually is in spring, but this year they made a rearrangement. And since i'm in the states, they wanted me to join too. And i said yes, so, um... I was wondering, would you like to come with me?  
-It looks like you've already made your decision to leave, and i really don't have anything else to do, so yeah, why not? I said and a smile spread across his face.  
-Oh, it will be great! I'll introduce you to some of my Youtuber bro's!  
-Yeah, i'd like that.  
I gave him a reassuring smile before we started to eat.

**15th of September**

We had a flight that night, to Orlando,Florida. It was yet another place i had never been to. The last two months were life changing, and i was really happy and excited to see what i was going to experience next. Little did i know, going to Orlando was a bad decision.

It was around 11PM when we arrived at the Caribe Royale (IT WAS GLAMOROUS AND HUGE). Playlist was also going to be held there, in its convention center. The room was cozy. Not as luxurious looking as Hilton but it was bigger. I didn't feel like unpacking so i headed out, leaving Felix with the work. He didn't really mind since he also was planning to shoot a vlog.

I went out to discover the place. I suddenly found myself in the convention center, It was so big and had hundreds and hundreds of chairs in it which were going to be filled with a lot of people tomorrow at noon. Then i realized a man on the stage, trying to place something like a keyboard. i approached the stage and i realized who he was. It was the famous Tobuscus, wearing his own t-shirt. in a friendly-manner i said:  
-Hi there, do you need a hand?  
-I, uhm... No, thanks.  
He got of the stage and came to shake my hand and he introduced himself with a casual smile on his face:  
- Hi i'm Toby. Toby Turner.  
- I know who you are Toby. I'm (name). i said giggling.  
- Oh, um... he laughed and continued:  
-Are you here for the convention? Cuz' you're kinda early.  
I bit my lip to not laugh:  
-Yeah you can say that, i'm here with, uh... a Youtuber friend of mine. We just checked-in and i wanted to explore whatever's around.

I still don't know why i didn't clearly state the fact i was here with Felix. Some part of me didn't want the green eyed man with a beautiful smile to know. I felt bad because i was feeling so good, just the way i felt when i met the magnificent Pewdiepie. I didn't give him the chance to ask which Youtuber i was staying with and went on with my sentence:  
-What were you up to on the stage?  
-Oh, i will play one of my "Literal Trailers" in the opening. So i was setting a few things up.  
-Let me guess... Assassin's Creed?  
He laughed and nodded yes, and said:  
- I wouldn't imagine a pretty girl like you watching my videos.  
- I bet a LOT of pretty girls watches them, how could they not? i said, trying to hide away the fact i was blushing.  
- What do you mean? he said, i could hear it in his voice that my shyness and the things i let slip out of my mouth were entertaining him.  
- I mean, uh... Stop torturing me okay! I laughed and his laughters joined mine.

It was almost midnight.


	10. The Missed Calls

**16th of September (AM)**

It was quarter past midnight when we were done chatting and left the convention center. I was enjoying myself and, as far as i could tell, so was Toby. We kept on laughing and laughing and laughing until he broke our streak of laughters, asking:  
-I know it's kinda late but, um, would you like me to show you around the city? I'm not really a local, but i know my way around here, and honestly i don't feel like sleeping yet.  
- I-i uh... My friend...  
He pouted and faked a whiny tone saying:  
- Please mom, please!  
Between my laughters i hardly managed to say yes.

We got into his car which seemed blue-ish but i couldn't really see its color in the dark. After a five minute drive, we found a place called "Cheers". Felix would kill me if he knew... And frankly, i felt sad when i realized there was no way i was getting out of that place without telling Toby i was pregnant. Why was i acting like this? I loved Felix, at least i thought i did. We didn't have much of a past with him but we were going to have a future. Why, just... WHY was i hiding this from Toby?

We sat down on the bar stools, and he ordered two pints. I couldn't even get myself to say no. And as if it couldn't have gotten worse, the question i dreaded had been asked:  
-So, which "big-shot" did you come here with?  
-I, uh...  
i sighed and just spill it:  
-Felix Kjellberg.  
-Well, i don't know if it'll be a relief but i already knew that.  
-What?  
-I had seen his video, with you in it. I was surprised that he didn't tell me.  
-Oh, i completely forgot about that video...  
I faked a smile and then i realized that he was whispering something in my ear:  
-On other notes... why did you have a hard time telling me this?  
He leaned back to his original position, and burst out a laughter when he saw how embarrassed i was.  
-Go on, laugh your ass off. I guess i'm a slut since i even thought about actually drinking this beer rather than telling you i'm fucking carrying his child!  
I grabbed my stuff and stormed of to the entrance door of Cheers, and a strong hand grabbed my arm to pull me back. I staggered with the force that was pulling me towards itself and found myself an inch away from the green eyed man's lips.  
-I'm sorry, it was just a joke, i didn't think you'd be offended. I didn't know what i was saying was the truth. Please forgive me.  
We just stood there, a few people in the pub were watching us.  
-Just take me back to the resort, okay Toby? i said, calmly.

As we drove in the car i tried so hard to suppress my anger. But i wasn't angry at Toby, i was angry with myself because he was right. I was playing the fool to myself, acting as if i didn't know why i was trying to avoid mentioning my relationship. I was attracted to him. The way i was attracted to Felix when we had first met.

My thoughts got interrupted when Toby pulled up to the parking stop. He rushed out of the car, and after him, so did i. when i got out of the car i stumbled across him, standing so close to me, again. he pushed me towards the car, leaving no room for me to move as he trapped me between his body and the car.  
-I'm sorry okay!? he said irritably.  
-Toby... You can't even possibly be sorry, as much as i will be when i do this.  
I put my hand on his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. His lips were soft, his tongue felt like it belonged just in the place it was now. I don't know how long it lasted until i pulled back for air.  
-We... really... shouldn't... he said quietly, out of breath, resting his forehead on mine.  
I caressed his chest, felt his madly beating heart. I knew he was right, but somehow i didn't care anymore. it must have been the pregnancy hormones or i was just keen on destroying everything good that had happened to me.

He dropped his arms on his sides and stepped back, setting me free. I didn't want to move, but i knew that was the right thing to do. So i walked away, checking my phone on my way, to appear uncaring. Then i saw "8 MISSED CALLS" writing on my screen.

I got on to the elevator, went up to our floor. i walked the hallway as if i was going to get electrocuted. I knocked on the room's door, hoping Felix would still be awake since the last call he made.  
-WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?! he yelled, the moment he angrily opened to door.  
-Hey there, you don't need to be mad! I met one of your bro's and he showed me around, that's all.  
I pushed him aside slowly and made my way to the bed.  
-You could've at least answered my calls! I WAS WORRIED SICK!  
-Felix.. I-i'm sorry. I really am, i didn't mean to get on your nerves.  
-Just... don't do that again. I love you.  
This must had been a sick joke universe was playing on me. If he had said this just a few hours ago, things might had been different. But there he was, telling me he loves me for the first time, and i could see it in his eyes that he was expecting to hear it back. Only after a few minutes i had been all over another guy. I had always felt so lucky that he cared about me and said he could actually love me that i didn't even question if i could do the same.

He was still looking at me with the most beautiful blue eyes in the world, and i just turned my head away. I stripped out of my clothes and slipped under the sheets. He didn't say another word until he crawled up beside me.  
-It's okay.  
-Felix...  
-No, I understand, just because we unexpectedly created a life, doesn't mean we can fall in love with eac other on que. I did, but i'm not expecting you to do the same. And doesn't matter how long it will take, i will be here, waiting for you.  
He kissed me on the cheek, and pulled me by the waist, bringing me closer to him. he pet my hair until i fall asleep. I knew I did love him, i loved him all along, but i wasn't ready to have a family with him, commit myself. And saying those three words would only going to get us closer.

I just wasn't sure if i was ready to settle down yet.


	11. The Mess-Up

**16th of September (PM)**

I woke up to see 12:24 written on the alarm clock. Felix was gone and the convention was going to start at 1PM. I swiftly made my way to the wardrobe. I wanted to look good, as i said before, first impressions are crucial. But i wasn't sure if i was getting all dressed up to be "presentable" or to look good for Toby. Shit... The thoughts that were crossing my mind... I knew i shouldn't, but i couldn't help thinking about last night over and over again. His voice, his sweet scent, his green eyes, his tasty lips... I couldn't get my mind off of him.

I picked out a cotton candy pink dress that went loose under the breast. it had a tulle, fluffy short skirt. I wore my plain white pumps. put on some make-up, didn't forget to put on an eyeliner.

It was quarter to one when i left the room, i was almost running in high-heels to be there for Toby's performance. I was like a high-school girl crushing, on a popular boy.

When i got there the empty chairs which witnessed our first encounter with Toby last night, were all taken, as i imagined. and there was the man who enchanted me with his charms, on the stage, behind his keyboard. As he performed and the audience laughed at his voice changes and gestures, i felt an urge so disturbing that i was disgusted by myself. I felt like i had to have him.  
Felix wasn't in sight, i assumed he was backstage. I got there but the guard on the door wouldn't let me in. Then a voice that sounded familiar but i didn't really figure out how, called out to me:  
-Hey you're (name), right? Felix's girl!  
-Yeah, you can say that, i guess. Um, do i know you?  
-Well, I'm Jack. You know, from Jacksfilms.  
-Now it all makes sense! Oh, i'm so stupid, i LOVE your "Your Grammar Sucks" series!  
-Why, thank you! Are you having some trouble getting backstage?  
-Yeah, they won't let me in!  
He made a gesture to the guard and opened the door for me. It was a nice room with dark red couches and wooden tables and equipments all over the place.

I felt a hand on my waist, and as soon as i smelled the Jean Paul Gaultier, i knew who it was. Being around him made me feel guilty, but it only got worse. I heard the people clapping and Toby entered backstage. People on the backstage applaud him too when he came in.  
Felix: Hey Toby come over here, i want you to meet somebody!  
Toby: Hi, you must be the famous girlfriend! he said, faking a smile. he acted as if we had never met. as if i had never kissed him. he was a good guy, and i could tell.  
Me: Yeah, but i'm also known as (name). And you must be Tobuscus! I really like your videos!  
Toby: Heh, thank-  
Felix: I guess you have already met with my other bro over here, Jack.  
Jack: Yeah we met, and she owes me one.  
Jack winked at me and i forced a small laugh. I was just so tense. As if i wasn't feeling like crap enough i was supposed to hang out with both Toby and Felix. I wasn't feeling so good.  
Felix: Oh, i think it's my turn. (name), the speech will last about an hour, but you're in good hands with my bro's here, okay?  
he kissed me on the temple and rushed off to the stage. The mad applaud he got when he got on to the stage was only a dim noise to me. Toby was looking at me, as if he now suddenly remembers everything that had happened. I started to feel ill and dizzy.  
Me: Guys... Um... It was a pleasure... meeting you.. But... uhm... I'm not feelin-  
i collapsed. i remember Toby shouting my name and taking me in his arms before i fell completely unconscious. shortly after, i found myself in a room, with all the Tobuscus t-shirts lying around, i knew it was Toby's. I heard Jack saying "Oh good, she's up"  
Me: What happened, where am i?  
Toby brought me a cup of coffee.  
Jack: One minute we were talking, and the next, you were on the ground.  
Me: OH SHIT! THE BABY!  
Jack: Ca-calm down, what baby? What are you talking about?  
Luckily Toby interfered.  
Toby: Jack, um, why don't you check if Felix's speech is over.  
Jack: But he'll be up there for at least another 30 mi-  
Toby: Just go, Jack.  
Jack: Ok, fine, whatever.  
I started feeling dizzy again as soon as i was alone with Toby. He sat down onto the bed i was laying on. He looked at me over his shoulder.  
Toby: How are you feeling?  
Me: Shitty.  
Toby: That's normal, i guess.  
he turned to me, putting his hand on my cheek and caressing it.  
Toby: I'm so sorry.  
Me: What for?  
I put my hand on his hand which was on my cheek. He sighed.  
Toby: I caused this, didn't i?  
Me: No... Well, yeah, but it's all on me. Trust me, you didn't do anything wrong.  
Toby: But i want to. I want it so bad.  
He leaned over me, pinning me to the bed. My heart started beating so fast that i was afraid he could hear it. But i was all for this. I knew it was wrong, and i knew for sure i was going to regret it, but i didn't mind.  
Me: What if Jack returns?  
Toby: He won't. Don't worry.  
He rose up my skirt as i unzipped his trousers. He covered my body with animalistic kisses, but trying not to bruise. He lowered his trousers and slid down my white laced panties. I was thirsty for him and i could see the lust he had for me burning in his eyes.

I tried to hush my voice, knowing the walls were paper thin. But it was getting harder with his every deepening thrust. The thought of shame and guilt was more than enough to push us over the edge. I tried to hold my scream in, as i felt his throbbing member cumming inside me.  
We were done but neither of us made the slightest attempt to move for a minute or so. Our breaths were returning to normal. then, he fell by my side.  
Toby: Fuck...  
Me: Yeah, that's a way to put it.  
He started laughing.  
Toby: But i gotta admit, that was hothothothot!

We heard a knock on the door and the smiles of triumph on our faces faded away. I guess that's when i truly comprehended what we had just done. Toby went to open the door, not forgetting gussying his self up on the way.  
Toby: Jac- Hey, Felix!  
Felix: Is she OK?  
Swede promptly came beside me and pulled me into the tightest hug ever, i felt like i couldn't breath. He was almost shaking with the fear of something that might had happened to me.  
Felix: You are burning up, we should take you to a hospital!  
Me: I'm okay, i'm okay... Just take me to our room, all i want is to sleep through this.  
He helped me get up from the bed i just made love to one of his best friends. I wanted to go and never return. What was with me and these stupid conferences? I always tended to mess something up whenever i attended one.

We left the room after he thanked his so called "bro's" and i just glanced at Toby, wanting this to be the last time i saw his piercing green eyes. Or he was going to ruin everything.


	12. The Wreck

**17th of September**

I didn't want to leave our room. I was filled with shame and guilt, i didn't want to face anyone. I had betrayed the man who loved me, and the baby in my belly. I had betrayed myself, my future, my dreams. Everything just felt so wrong. Everything WAS wrong. I shouldn't have gone to VidCon from the start. I screwed up big time and just when everything started to turn out good, i screwed up again. I just couldn't had walk straight up to Felix and confess my affair but i didn't want to put on an act for him for the rest of our lives which i thought would be spent together. But it wasn't this hard with Toby, we didn't want each other just because we had to, and I felt like i had to be with Felix because i was _obliged_ to. Was i just looking for an escape from all this overwhelming situation? I couldn't just leave, untimely taking off from yet another conference. I couldn't just kept on running away. I had responsibilities, i had a life that was sprouting in my womb. I had to live with the harsh facts, my mistakes.

Felix left for the conference around 12 o'clock, he was pretty insistent that i tagged along but i said i still wasn't feeling so well. At least i didn't lie, i DID feel like i was dying inside.

I took a long bubble bath, with my hands on my baby bump. "I'm so sorry for turning your life upside down before you were even born. But i promise i will love you for the rest of my life. We may have to be alone, but we will have each other no matter what." I sank my head down into the tub, blending my tears with the bubbled water.

it read 17:43 on the screen when i got a text message from Felix just after putting my nightgown back on.  
"Hey, i'm going to head out with my bro's would you like to come?"  
"I'm not really in the mood"  
"Come on it will be fun, WE ARE GOING TO THE DISNEYLAND!"  
"That would be fun... if i wasn't an expectant mother Felix, I can't ride anything you know..."  
"Oh, i forgot about that, but please come, i feel like we didn't get to spend much time together since we arrived"  
"Just go on and have fun, i'll be here when you come back tonight ;)"  
"Well, suit your self, i won't pressure you if you are going to be all mine in a few hours"  
"Have a good trip! xoxox"  
I was frustrated, i had never been to Disneyland before, and i had always wanted that. But if i went along with the guys, i would just be able to watch those gigantic machines and hear the screams. That would be too tempting for me to bare. Although in a few years it would be pretty good to come back here with Felix and our 5 year old to have some Disney fun. Ah, the future looked so bright, but my past kept haunting me, literally knocking on my door.

I answered the door without a second thought. And as soon as i saw the man standing in the hallway, that feeling came back, that shameful feeling.  
-Toby, what are you doing here, i thought you guys were going to Disneyland?  
-Nah, I didn't feel like i was up to it.  
-Well, i don't feel like standing the sight of your face.  
I tried to close the door on him but he stopped the door with his hand.  
-Look... can't we just... talk for a minute?  
-What do you want Toby?  
-I don't think what i'm going to say is appropriate for us to talk in the middle of the hallway.  
-Right... Come on in.  
He made his way to the couch, i could see how nervous he was. I had never seen him in such a bad state. The man sitting there wasn't Tobuscus, hell, i wasn't even sure if it was the Toby Turner i knew.  
-I heard something today, i thought you had a right to know.  
-What is it? Just spill it out.  
-Uhm... today Felix asked me for advice about... uh... how to break the news to you.  
-What do you mean? just fucking tell me already!  
-Well... H-he is going back to Sweden.  
- Wha-  
-Don't worry! He's not leaving you or anything, he is just going there until you two find a place to live in.  
-Oh... Um... we never talked about that, but i guess, that's okay. Thanks for letting me know.  
-...The thing is, he has scheduled a flight for the night the conference ends.  
-Fucking great! What the hell am i supposed to do?!  
-He assumed you'd just go back to New York, wait for him to find a place to live.  
-Wha.. I don't even know where the fuck we'll live! Does he want me in Sweden or will we stay in Ameri... Shit... God, Felix...  
-Calm down, he will talk to you tonight, he actually wanted to tell you when you were in Disneyland but obviously you skipped that out.  
-Wait, how did you know that i didn't go?  
-I figured, you wouldn't want to see me...  
-Yeah, that didn't work out quite as planned.  
I said sarcastically, i must had hit a soft spot because he angrily rose up on hi feet and yelled:  
-Why the FUCK do you _hate_ me?!  
-BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING I HAD FIGURED OUT FOR MY LIFE! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO GO ON WITH THIS BULLSHIT WITH FELIX SINCE I MET YOU!  
I don't know what had happened but the moment i opened my eyes, Toby had already trapped me between his body and the wall, kissing me. I felt his warm hands rising up on the back of my thighs under my nightgown. He suddenly lifted me up, cutting my feet off the ground. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he placed me on the dresser. I could feel his bulge through my panties, pressing itself against me so hard. I unbuckled his belt and he dropped his pants. Then he slid my panties to the side and thrusted in me. I whimpered, knowing that i shouldn't scream.

We were on Felix's and my bed when Toby let out a loud moan as he came. This man had awoken the basic instincts in me. I hated him for this, he was stopping me from acting logical. We were laying on the bed, breathless, when he said the craziest thing:  
-Don't leave...  
-What do you mean?  
-Come to Los Angeles with me.  
-Are you out of your fucking mind Toby?  
I laughed, but then i realized how dead serious he was.  
-Look (name), i want you in my life, as long as you can stay. i know there's a future awaiting for you, but i can also see that you don't want it. So come on, runaway with me, even if it has to be for a short while.  
He took my hand and kissed it, i just gaped at him. How could he _dare_ saying this? But more importantly, why did i wanted to go with him?  
-I can't... Toby... i'm going to be honest now and maybe a little bit too forward, but i don't want to fall in love with you. And the more time i spend with you the fonder my feelings grow. But i have a family, not currently maybe, but i will in a few months. I owe my baby a good life, with both of his or her parents in it. And if i fall in love with you, i can't be with Felix. I can't live a lie.  
-But you don't love him!  
-I DO!  
-Then _why_ are we here? Why did you even kiss me yesterday?  
- I-i...  
-Just.. Think about it alright?  
He got up, pulled up his trousers and got into his black jacket. He stormed out before i could object.

If i stayed in that room for another minute i would have lost my mind, or whatever there was left of it. I put on a dark skinny jean and a tight white tank top and left the room after i slipped into my converse's. I had to empty my mind, take a break from this charade.

While i was at it, i could had called my parents, right? i had already hit the rock bottom, it couldn't got any worse than that, so i figured "why not?". I sat by the main entrance of the grand Caribe Royale and picked up my phone, took a deep breath and hit dial.  
(in another language)  
-Hi mom!  
-Oh my baby, it's been so long since you've last called! We were starting to get worried about you!  
-Yeah, um... Mom... I need to tell you something but promise me you'll love me no matter what.  
-(name) what did you do again?!  
-PROMISE FIRST!  
-Alright, alright, i promise. Besides, a mother loves her child no matter what, even though she gets upset sometimes. But i don't expect you to understand that before having a kid of your own.  
-Yeah.. Since you've brought it up...  
There was a silence.  
-Mom, are you there?  
She didn't answer me.  
-Mom are you alri-  
-How far along are you?  
I could hear the devastation she was trying to hide in her voice.  
-Um... almost 8 weeks, i guess...  
-YOU GUESS!? Tell me, whose is it?  
-A Swedish guy named Felix...  
-How long have you been together? How do you know him? What does he do for a living? How old is he?  
-Mom calm down, let's go one by one, please. His name is Felix Kjellberg, he is 24 years old, he has a good and stable income from his internet business and i met him during a conference i've been sent by the agency.  
-Does he know? I mean, that you are... GOD, I CAN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO SAY IT!  
-Mom, don't worry, we're together, actually we are looking for a place to live.  
That wasn't completely a lie, Felix was going to tell me about it tonight anyways. I tried to keep calm and calm my mother down too.  
-Oh my god... What about your college, your_ future_?!  
-My future is with the baby inside me mom, and i promise to continue my education next year!  
-Your father is going to be so mad! I hope he doesn't have an heart attack!  
-Don't tell him yet ma, i want to tell him myself.  
After an hour of scolding and fighting and crying, she hung up. But i knew she'd come around, for her grandchild's sake.

I pulled myself together and went back to my room, Felix had already came back and his face brightened when he saw me:  
-Hi there!  
-Felix, i... I just had a long conversation with my mom.  
I broke down, I hardly managed to stop crying when he held me in his arms and spoke up:  
-I'm guessing it didn't go so well then?  
-Yeah... but i know she'll come around. It's just that i felt like i was daydreaming and hearing my mom cry, brought me back to the real world.  
-It'll be alright, i'm here for you.  
-Are you REALLY Felix? WHY ARE WE EVEN TOGETHER?!  
-Wha... What do you mean?  
I was angry, and i'm guessing the hormones got me even more frustrated. I turned my face away before continuing, trying to hide my tears from him.  
-We were drunk Felix... Yeah, i got pregnant, but does that really mean we_ belong_?  
-(name), you are not thinking clearly right now, so don't make a decision in such a blurry state...  
His voice was trembling, i hated the fact i was genuinely hurting him, but it was for the best.  
-Felix... I think...  
I didn't want to go further with that conversation but i couldn't stop myself.  
-I think, i need some time, to clear my mind, if it's alright with you...  
-If... If that's what you want... yeah, i guess...  
-But I just want you to know Felix... I DO love you.  
I kissed him, but this wasn't the way i kissed Toby. It wasn't lust, it was _love_.

I packed up, and left the room without saying another word, knowing that this could had been the last time i saw him. I was a wreck.


	13. The Getaway

**19th of September**

The hostel i checked-in was a huge downgrade from Caribe Royale but it was 40 dollars a night and wasn't really that bad. Felix hadn't called or even texted and he was leaving tonight, going to Sweden. I was alone in a room that had a moldy smell just like the inside of my apartment. At first the loneliness made me feel really bad, but then i realized it was way better than what i had been feeling a few days ago.

Even though i made myself believe that, my heart skipped a beat when my phone started to ring for the first time in two days. The number wasn't familiar but i took it anyway.  
-Hello, who is this?  
-Where are you?  
I recognized the voice, it was Toby -fucking- Turner.  
-I-i'm still in Orlando, i checked myself into a hostel, i didn't really know where to go...  
-For the last two days, Felix didn't even bother to fake a smile, and you were nowhere to be found, so i assume...  
-Yeah, I kinda needed some time to pull myself together.  
-Felix left.  
-Already? Huh.  
-So uhm... where will you head from here?  
-I don't really know... I'll probably go back to New York, i guess...  
-My offer still stands you know.  
-Toby, I...  
-Where are you right now?  
-I'm staying in AAE Universal Maingate but-  
he hung up. Caribe Royale wasn't really far away so i knew he'd arrive in about 20 minutes-tops.

There wasn't any difference between the right choice and the wrong choice anymore because i was fucked up either way. I might had just gone to LA with Toby, and the fact that everything was ruined wouldn't change even a bit.

A few minutes later i got dressed up, Toby came.  
-So, are you all packed up?  
- Wha-  
-I'm not taking no for an answer, just... go and get your things. We have a plane to catch in an hour.  
-TOBY! I TOLD YOU I CAN'T!  
- Hush! Pack your bags, or i will.  
For a moment all the bad feelings i used to get when i saw Toby disappeared and an unexpected fuzzy feeling flourished. I hugged him. So tight. I guess I was grateful in a way. He was the one who fucked up my relationship with Felix, but now, he was... No, I still had no idea what he was doing. But i took a leap of faith, knowing i would probably crash hard.

I packed up my stuff as quickly as possible and placed them in the trunk of his rental car.  
-Ready to go?  
He said with a smile on his face, and it was the most beautiful smile in the world.

It had been about five minutes since we hit the road and he put a CD in the player. Cups from Anna Kendrick started to play, he kept up with the rhythm, hitting on the steering wheel and suddenly he started melting his heart out:

_"I've got my ticket for the long way 'round_  
_The one with the prettiest of views_  
_It's got mountains, it's got rivers, it's got sights to give you shivers_  
_But it sure would be prettier with you_"

Didn't matter how hard he tried to sound bad, he had a really good voice.

He turned his head to me, with a shine in his enchanting green eyes and a big smile on his lips. I couldn't help but smile back. I didn't _have to_ be with Toby, it was my choice, unlike the way it was with Felix. I loved Felix, I was sure i did. But with Toby, i felt free again, careless,_ happy._

We got to the airport in the blink of an eye, but we were almost late because i had taken a little longer to pack than i should. Then we got onto the plane, Toby literally raced me to the seats to get the one by the window. He had the advantage of course, since, he wasn't a pregnant woman.

It was almost thirty minutes into the flight and i was resting my head on Toby's shoulder, trying to get some sleep when i heard him whisper:  
"Audience! What are you doing on a plane! INTRO OF DARKNESS THEN REDNESS THEN WHITENESS"  
i rose my head up, his arm was in a weird position, trying his best to not get me in the camera's view. He smiled at me and kept vloging.  
"Yeah, I'm heading back home from Florida. I might have met with some of you there, i was attending Playlist in Orlando. And it was so much fun, a great GREAT experience. I made a couple of new friends and so much more. Oh hey look, one of them is right here!"  
He turned the camera towards me. I grinned, waved and said "Hellooooo audience!" in a high pitched voice. He went on talking about Playlist, of course not mentioning what had happened under the sheets. After a while he turned the camera to me and said:  
-Before we end this lazy vlog, how would you sum up Playlist in one word.  
-Hmmm... Let me think... EVENTFUL!  
-Hahaha, that's true. Bless your face if you sneezed while watching this video. OUTRO OF DARKNESS THEN REDNESS THEN WHITENESS THEN BOOP!  
After he turned the camera off, i realized that was a bad idea.  
-Hey Toby, umm... Don't you think Felix will find out about this video?  
The grin on his face vanished.  
-Uhm.. I don't think he'd mind, he's the one who went almost to the other side of the world without even saying goodbye to you, god knows for how long.  
I didn't say a word but i could feel my eyes were tearing up.  
-No, no, no, (name) i didn't mean that. I mean... Fuck... I'm sorry...

It had been a quite flight without any further conversations, i almost slept 3 hours straight. It was 23:58 when the plane descended.


	14. The Responsibilities

**20th of September (AM)**

We hailed a cab and he put the two luggages in the trunk. All i had said to him since our last conversation was "Thanks" when he picked up my luggage from the  
claim.

We arrived at his place, it was really cool, fan-art all around, and Tobuscus-worthy. As soon as we stepped in to his house he dropped the two luggages down and went directly to what i figured to be the living room, i went after him and saw him stretching on the sofa.  
-Hey Toby um, we're cool right?  
-Come here.  
He pointed right next to where he was sitting, so i plopped on the sofa right besides him. he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to himself,  
leaving a kiss on my temple, then letting a sigh out.  
-You were right, i didn't think it through.  
-No it's OK. I just... don't wanna burn any bridges. And i'm sure you wouldn't wanna harm you friendship with him, too.  
-Yeah, but he'll find out eventually, we might as well, act as if we're just friends.  
-Speaking of which, what ARE we exactly?  
He looked at the ceiling for a short minute, i could see his Adam's apple slightly move.  
-I don't know... All i know is that i like having you in my life, and the moments you're not around feels empty.  
He looked into my eyes reassuringly, and swiped my hair behind my ears.  
-Toby... I'm really scared...  
-Why?  
-I'm scared of falling for you.  
-Well, i'm not scared at all.  
He leaned over me, cornering me on the sofa.

I loved his kissed, his touches, his charms, his voice... practically everything about him. and it was only a matter of time i started loving him. He pulled away and got up. He reached his hand out and said:  
-I'm tired, let's go to bed.  
As i took his hand he pulled me in for a quick kiss. we went to his bedroom with our laughters echoing throughout the hallway. We didn't have enough energy to unpack, so we just threw ourselves on the bed with our dirty clothes. He instantly fell asleep, right after he put a kiss on my forehead.

This wasn't feeling so wrong anymore. Actually, it almost felt _right_.

But when I woke up around 5AM (about three hours later), our unknown status with Felix was really bugging me. I rolled around in the bed, trying to get myself to get some rest, Toby was sleeping heavily. I got up and went to the backyard with my phone in my hand. It would had been 2PM there. I sat on the lagging. It was really cold in LA compared to Orlando. But i wouldn't even mind if i froze to death. I dialed his number, waited for him to pick up. He did.  
-Am i interrupting with your work?  
-Um... No. Is everything alright?  
-Felix... nothing is.  
There was a long pause, filled with my sobbings.  
-You needed your space, and i gave it to. Isn't that what you wanted?  
-But i never thought you'd go back home without even saying a goodbye!  
I was so sad and trying so hard not to cry that i didn't even realize the words coming out of my mouth.  
-Wait.. Who told you that i went back to Sweden?  
I was surprised by my own stupidity, I didn't exactly know what to say.  
-Umm, Toby had mentioned it when you left LA.  
To make matters even more complicated, I heard a voice from the door, calling out to me, saying "HEY, you're gonna get a cold out here!"  
-Wait was that Toby? Where are you?!  
-Felix i...  
I saw Toby facepalm from the corner of my eye when he understood i was on the phone with one of his best-friends.  
-(name), i want you to be honest... What. Is. Going. On?  
-Uh.. Felix... I didn't know what to do when you left without saying a word and he offered some help. So yeah i'm from Cali right now. I was waiting for you to call, but i lost my patience. I miss you Felix.  
-Well, Toby must be a great consolation...  
-Felix it's not like that! He's just a good friend that offered me a hand. You know i wouldn't even dream of another guy when i have you.  
I knew while i was trying to win Felix back, I was losing Toby for good. I could hear his heart shattering. He sat down beside me, and just watched every lie i told. But even though Toby was everything i had ever wanted, the dirty blonde haired man on the other end of the line was the one who i belonged with.

After a long conversation, we settled on the conclusion of me flying to Gothenburg whenever i felt ready. Toby got up and cleared his throat, followed by a forced smile.  
-Well at least i can upload my vlog now.  
he turned around and went back inside without making another peep. I immediately followed after him.  
- Toby i-  
-YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE!  
I was shocked when he smashed his fist to the wall, he was so upset that he turned red. I just gaped at him until he calmed down and continued his speech.  
-...but probably it's the right thing for you, and your baby of course.  
He leaned onto the wall, staring at his feet, his curly hair falling down on his forehead. I felt so helpless. I approached him, put my hand on his cheek and apologetically said:  
-Toby, i have responsibilities. i have to make decisions for two, you know...  
he suddenly took my face in his hands and kissed me. As we kissed, i could feel my tears streaming down his face. It was too late, i had already fallen for him. I wrapped my hands around his neck and he lifted me up, wrapping his arms around my waist. He carried me to the bed, almost never breaking the kiss. He gently settled me down and got on top of me.

What was i doing? I loved this guy in a more passionate way than i loved Felix. But i had to move on, for the sake of the baby inside my belly.

**26th of September**

It was my ninth week and I had started to grow out of my clothes, especially my jeans. It was time for me to get maternity wears. I was staring at how big my bump looked, half naked, in front of the mirror. I didn't realize Toby was staring at me until he said:  
-You look_ beautiful_.  
Seeing him or even hearing his voice was excruciating. I was leaving, tonight.

A few hours later, I was in the bedroom about to finish packing my stuff up when i started hearing crazy footsteps and Toby talking really fast and loud. i spaced the door to see what he was doing. He was vloging, but this time, he was... hysterical. He was constantly smiling and laughing but his words sounded heart-broken.  
"Audience, have you ever wanted something you can't have. Yeah haha, i have. ACTUALLY, i'm doing that right now. It can be a juicy stake when you're on a diet, or an expensive toy your mama doesn't buy you, or it can be -hahaha- a GIRL. Yes audience, i'm IN LOVE with a girl i SHOULDN'T. And i'm.. I'm on the verge of losing my MIND. Oh look, say hi to mirror Toby, audience. Hello, mirror Toby, what are your feelings about this particular situation? Well, Toby i think we're screwed. We are better of dead, i believe. OH C'MON mirror Toby, you're being over-dramatic! No i'm serious Toby, without her, your life will go back to being boring and pointless. I think... i think you should ask her to MARRY you! YES MIRROR TOBY I SHOULD! I _really_ would... if i had the slightest hope of her saying yes -hahaha-, but she won't. She couldn't , even if sh-"  
I entered the room and he quickly put his phone down. I knew he wouldn't want me to witness his break-down, but i did.  
-I really couldn't Toby...  
-I-i...  
-Call me a cab, ok?  
I left the room, knowing that i had caused so much damage to the man i love. I hopped in the cab that had arrived and left without saying a goodbye. Because I was afraid of not being able to leave, and his every word made it harder on me.


	15. The Blue Cameo Pendant

**27th of September**

It was a long, 12 hours flight to Gothenburg. It was 6AM when i saw Felix waiting for me at the airport. Seeing him made me put every bad thought aside. Seeing him made me feel... _at home_.  
-I missed you.  
-I missed you too Felix.  
Out of clear sky, he swiped me from the ground and spun me around in the air. I was laughing so hard that i couldn't even manage to tell him to stop. He then lowered me, and kissed me. The feeling of belonging came right back.  
-Hey, i got something for you. It's nothing much but the moment i saw it, i just wanted you to have it.  
-Oh Felix, you really shouldn't ha-  
He took out a medium sized rectangular dark-red leather box, he opened it. It was a beautiful silver necklace with a blue cameo of a mother embracing her newborn. I gasped and my eyes teared up. This was probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever given me.  
-You like it?  
-It's beautiful Felix!  
-Here, let me...  
I turned around and he put the pendant on my neck.  
-It looks better on you than it did in the box, he smiled. I lifted on my toes and hugged him, never wanting to let him go again.

We got into his car, and he started driving his way home. I was going to see where he lived, where the magic happened, for the first time.  
-So, how was your second trip to LA?  
-Nah, it wasn't as stirring as my first time there.  
He looked at me and started laughing, i forced myself to join him. He had no clue what went on.

We had arrived at an apartment complex with pale yellow sidings on the outside of the buildings. It was a cute place. His home was kinda small, bigger than mine but way smaller than Toby's.

He took and put my coat in the closet which was standing by the entrance and carried my luggage inside. It was a cozy livingroom, with his recording equipments set on a high table.

After he helped me get unpacked i was kinda hungry and it was already 07:30 so we went out for breakfast. He took me to "Systrarna Olsons Våffelbageri" (which is a great waffle bakery) in Liseberg. Liseberg was an Amusement park but the rides hadn't been open yet, since we were too early in the morning. Also, i wouldn't be able to ride any of them anyways, so it was fine by me. But it looked quite amazing, i could had only imagined what it looked like at night.

We ordered our waffles and sat down. he excitedly started speaking.  
-I've got some news for you!  
-I'm all ears.  
-First of all, do you remember the day i went to the Disneyland?  
-Yeah...  
I suddenly remembered how terrible that day was but tried not to show it.  
-Well, that day i needed to tell you something, but i didn't really get the chance.  
He placed his hands on mine.  
-I've been looking for a place to live since then.  
I knew that already, but i wanted him to enjoy the moment so i acted surprised. he continued enthusiastically.  
-(name), I found the perfect place for us. You, me, our baby. I'm not a spender and for the last two years i made a lot of money over YouTube, so i will be able to  
afford it easily.  
I didn't want to live in Sweden but i had to ask where this "perfect place" was, even though i dreaded the answer.  
-So um... where exactly is it?  
-Tarrytown.  
My eyes brightened up, it was one of the inner suburbs of New York, in 40 minutes distance of my college.  
-Well what's it like?!  
-It's an old white house with a big green front yard. It has 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and everything.  
-wait.. That's 2 more rooms than we need.  
-Uh... I thought i'd make one of them my office and the other one's for... maybe our baby won't like to be a single child. just in case.  
-Hahaha, you really are planning forward, aren't you?

It was like a dream, the beautiful images that popped into my head... Felix preparing the barbecue, our son or daughter playing with his or her baby sibling... It was the ultimate fantasy of any woman. It felt too good to be true. I was scared that any moment i'd wake up to find myself laying in my own bed, in my own rotting room.

I was_ happy_ and i wasn't planning to let this amazing feeling go ever again.


	16. The Interrupted Dream

**30th of September**

Felix had done the purchase of the house and didn't allow me to spend a dime. A week from now we were going to move in to Tarrytown. Our new house, our new home.

It had been great, living with Felix. He was busy most of the time but i understood that.

There was something that kept bothering me though. The night before, while Felix was doing a late "Fridays With Pewdiepie" video which he mentioned his P.O. box change, i opened my laptop and went on YouTube. Toby hadn't uploaded any vlogs since i had left. Yeah, there were a few more gaming videos on "TobyGames", and a new Gryphon video on "Tobuscus", but no vlogs. Was he in a bad shape? I knew I hurt him, but i would had never guessed that i could hurt him _this bad_. I missed him, missed the way he made me laugh, the way he kissed me. I was sure i made the right decision but that didn't change the fact i _loved_ him.

Felix had started putting everything he owned into boxes, two days later a shipping company was going to take them for delivery to New York and a day after that, we were going to follow them.

Later that day, I went to my first ultrasound with Felix. Just to check if the baby was doing alright. The doctors said in nine weeks, we would find out about its gender. That's when we were going to announce the "good news".

We were back in his car, with the ultrasound pictures of our baby in my hand.  
-What do you think about Theo? as in the "gift of god". If it's a boy, i mean.  
-Well... Considering you are an atheist and i'm agnostic...  
-But he _is_ a gift!  
-What if it's not a boy? ...Let me ask you something Felix, do you want a girl, or a boy?  
-For all i care, it can be an alien as long as it's healthy. On the other hand, i wouldn't want to raise an alien, i guess. How about you?  
-Nah, I definitely want a girl.  
It was a trip full of laughters back to his place.

**4th of October**

We had arrived. It was as beautiful as it was shown online. I couldn't believe this was happening. It was paradise. Less than three months ago, i was struggling with the finals and the traineeship and everything there was to life. I was living in a creepy building, paying rent every month so i wouldn't be evicted from that crappy flat. Now i had a house in the suburbs, a handsome, supporting boyfriend, and a little baby on the way. Everything was magical. But something was missing. And i knew what that something was, i knew _who_ that was, to be exact. But i had to just suck it up and put on a smile. I made myself believe that my feelings for Toby would pass in good time.

We didn't have many furniture in the house yet, just the stuff Felix had brought from Sweden, and a few old stuff from my flat. But Felix's presence made it a "home" just the way it was. He was an awesome man. He was funny and caring, he was there for me even when he didn't have to. I knew he was going to be the best father ever.

I wanted to discover our new neighborhood. i had been here before but i didn't really know what was around. i took my laptop with me in case i'd find a good coffee shop and hang out there for a bit. I eventually stopped at a place called "Black Cat Cafe", it had_ le chat noir_ on its sign. I went in and ordered a white hot chocolate with peppermint. I loved coffee but the doctors told me the caffeine wasn't good for the baby.

I took a seat and opened my laptop. GOD BLESS FREE WI-FI! I got on YouTube and saw that Toby had finally uploaded a vlog. I took out my purple earphones out from my purse, plugged it in and started watching the video.

"Audience! What are you doing hiding behind my guitar case? Guys, guys, guys i'm so excited! I'm going to the ComicCon NY 2014! INTRO OF DARKNESS THEN REDNESS THEN WHITENESS! So yeah, ComicCon starts in 6 days and i will be there 1 day prior to the opening. Of course Jack is coming as my camera man again and probably Steven and Gabe and Seth will tag along too. So if you wanna meet us, be there! Bless your face! If you sneezed watching this video, bless you OUTRO OF DARKNESS THEN REDNESS THEN WHITENESS THEN BOOP!"

He was coming to New York. Didn't matter how fast i ran from my past, it kept catching up with me.

What if he visited us? No, he wouldn't dare.

But what if Felix wanted to meet up with his bro's? I would simply not join them.

But what if Felix invited all of them over? now, _THAT_ would be a problem.


	17. The Sick Joke

**9th of October**

I was almost eleven weeks pregnant and i grew bigger and bigger everyday, so i took the metro to Manhattan to buy myself some new clothes. It took me one and a half hour to get there! But i realized that pregnancy had its advantages, a teenager gave me his seat. There was no way i could have survived that long, on my feet. I passed by the Javits Convention Center which was getting prepared for the ComicCon, on my way to the a maternity wear shop.

After a little shopping which helped me relieve some stress, i took a cab back home. It costed way too much but it was better than taking the metro.

When i payed the fee and got out of the cab, i saw something strange. A car that i couldn't recognize was parked in front of our house.  
-Felix! I'm home!  
I said, carrying my shopping bags inside.  
-Hey (name), look who were in the neighborhood!  
Two strangers, a guy i had briefly met and a guy that i knew so well came to welcome me. All that stress relief... just to get worked up again... All of them -except Toby- were focused on the bags i brought in, they had written "Mother & Babycare" on them. But the well-built brunette interrupted the silence.  
Gabe: Hi I'm Gabuscus.  
Seth: And i'm Seth Hendrix.  
Me: Nice to meet you guys, i'm (name).  
There was an awkward silence that came to an end when Jack made a statement with an uncertain look on his face.  
Jack: I'm really sorry if i'm over my head but... Are you...  
Felix put his arm around my shoulder. And looked at me as if he was asking for permission.  
Felix: Yeah bro's, we have some good news! Would you like to take over?  
He turned to me and smiled.  
Me: Yep, sure... Um... So yes, we are expecting a little guy or a gal in about six and a half months!  
A lots of hugging and congratulating and laughter filled the room. Toby just stood in the distance faking a smile, occasionally laughing to blend in with the crowd. I couldn't believe the way he was making this look so easy. As if he had gone through something like this before. I don't know, maybe he had, but _i_ certainly hadn't.

We had a porch in the back and Felix had placed a few beach chairs on there. I assumed he had went to pick up some groceries before his guests arrived because we didn't have that many snacks and beers stocked in our fridge.

They were having fun, i could tell. Felix rarely had spare time and i'm sure it was the same for the other guys in the room too. I would really love to join to their conversations but i just couldn't concentrate on any word that had been said because i knew Toby was sitting right across me. I kept staring at my feet, scared of making eye contact with him. I couldn't, not after leaving him the way i did. I was surprised that he even bothered to come here, he must had hated me.

I realized someone was speaking to me.  
Jack: Hey, are you alright? You don't seem so well. And we both know what had happened the last time you didn't feel well.  
Felix: He is right, is everything OK?  
Me: Yeah, yeah... I think i'm just tired that's all... It has been a long day, i-i think i'll go get some rest.  
I kissed Felix and said goodbye to everyone and went to our bedroom. Soon i was laying on the bed, crying my eyes out. This must had been a really sick joke universe was playing on me. It had no other logical explanation.

I apparently couldn't hear the door opening because of my own loud sobbing.  
Toby: I'm sorry.  
I didn't even bother to turn around.  
Me: Why are you here? Did you wanted to see if i was dying inside too? Well, there you have it. I hope you're satisfied.  
Toby: I would never, ever want to see you sad, you know that...  
Me: Then _why_ the fuck did you come?! Just when i had made myself believe that i'm better off...  
I kept myself from shouting at him. If anyone heard what we were talking about, i would be as good as dead.  
Toby: I had to make sure... That you had no regrets, that you were happy!  
Me: The only thing i regret right now is falling in love with you! I wish i had never let you in my life...  
Toby: I... umm.. better go then...  
Me: Toby wait...  
He left, i heard him slamming the entrance door shut. I had never felt worse in my life. I loved him and he loved me back. But we were grown-ups. At least i was. He was almost thirty but still, wasn't aware of the fact we shouldn't go around doing whatever we wanted, we couldn't. Right?

I didn't care anymore, making radical decisions were so much easier during pregnancy. But it also had bad consequences sometimes. I went back to the porch, told the guys i was going to get some coffee with Toby, and asked if they'd want one too. I swiftly grabbed my purse and headed out, and i saw Toby rapidly walking away with his hands in his pockets. I ran. I was running quite fast for an expectant mother and called out his name when he was in the hearing distance. He turned around and he walked back to me, slowly. I just waited, trying to catch a breath. As he got closer, i saw how red his eyes and nose were.

I sat on the pavement, he sat down beside me. We didn't talk, we didn't kiss. We just looked at each other, trying to savour the moment. I was stunned by his beauty. His bloodshot eyes looked even greener now. I could had spent the rest of my life on that pavement with him. I could had complied to not touching him, not hearing his voice again, but i would at least know i was _with_ him. He took off his faint black hoodie which he was wearing over a blue Tobuscus t-shirt and gave it to me. It was cold out side but i hadn't even realized it until that moment. I wore it.  
-I told guys we were out for a coffee, we might as well grab a cup. I know a place around the corner.  
-I don't really like coffee.  
-I love it. But i can't drink it, it's bad for the baby.  
We didn't speak again for what felt like an hour, and probably _was_ an hour, because Felix sounded kinda worried when he called me.  
-Hey, where are you two?  
-We're on our way back.  
After we hung up, i got up on my feet. Toby did the same. We were like two ghosts, lingering... he rested his forehead on mine.  
-Toby... we're in the middle of the street, the neighbours...  
-I don't give the slightest shit...  
His voice was trembling, and i felt my knees going weaker and weaker with his every breath that brushed against my lips. Our lips met for once more, but it felt different this time. It wasn't lustful. It was sad.

It was a goodbye kiss.


	18. The Cardboard Box (FINAL CHAPTER)

**21st of November**

Everything was in its place. We had furnished the house except the baby room. And today we were going to learn what color we should be painting its walls. I was praying for the pink.

I was in my 18th week and i had started to look huge. I could feel the kicks getting stronger and stronger everyday.

We were there, Felix was holding my hand while i was lying on the hospital bed. I was supposed to be use to the cold gel that they put on my belly before the ultrasounds by now, but it gave me shivers every god damn time.

I could clearly see its face on the screen now, it actually started to look like a real baby.  
Doctor: The heartbeats are perfectly healthy, and i can't see any growth or development issues. Now... Would you like to know if you are having a boy or a girl?  
Felix squeezed my hand tightly and smiled at me. I saw our bright future shining in his blue eyes.  
Me: Yes please.  
Doctor: Well then, congratulations, you're having a girl!  
Me: FUCK YEAH!  
I threw my hands up in the air as if i was dancing, Felix burst out laughing when he saw how shocked the doctor was to my response.

It was a blissful ride back home. I couldn't stop smiling.  
-So, we're having a daughter, huh?  
-I'm so excited Felix... I can't even find the proper words to express my feelings right now.  
-Same here.  
He looked at me with a genuine, heart-warming smile and continued:  
-Hey, do you have a name in mind?  
-I... Actually do... Of course we should decide it together, but umm... How do you feel about "_Zoe_", without a "y" in the end.  
-That sounds perfect! I really can't wait to tell my bro's!  
-Ah, i can only imagine the looks on their face when they watch the video.  
We had decided not to announce the news until we knew what the gender was. Felix wanted it that way and i didn't mind. But now it was time.

When we got home, the first thing that Felix did was to start setting up his lighting equipment. We both set in front of the camera once he was done and he started recording.  
-Haha how's it going bro's? My name is Peeeewdiepiee and welcome to "FRIDAYS WITH PEEEEWDIEPIEE" Yes, i actually got to make a new "Fridays with Pewdiepie" on a real Friday! And today bro's, i've got some big news to tell you and you will actually be the first to know. So, you know my girlfriend (name), right?  
He pointed at me and i smiled and waved at the camera saying hi.  
-Maybe you've seen her in one of my videos two months ago and as i told you before we moved to, New York together. But it's just not the two of us who are living in our new house.  
He took the ultrasound picture from the table and showed it to the camera.  
-Bro's i want you to meet somebody! If any of you for some reason didn't get it, that's a baby. Now, look closely. I SAID CLOSELY!  
He brought the picture closer to the camera.  
-Can you see a tiny baby penis? HAH! YOU CAN'T. BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ONE!  
I was trying so hard not to laugh but i couldn't hold it in when he started yelling to the camera.  
-So yeah, bro's, we're having a girl! Milady, would you do the honours of telling our beautiful daughters name?  
-Of course milord.  
I cleared my throat.  
-Dear bro army, we have decided on the name ZOE! ...But, without a "y".  
He looked at me. He took my hand and kissed it without breaking the eye contact. He then turned to the camera with a huge grin on his face.  
-Alright bro's, thank you for watching and sharing this beautiful moment with us. We are really looking forward to meet her, and i hope you do to, because you will be seeing a lot of her once she arrives! And thank you bro's for supporting me this far, i always try to do my best, but i hope you'll understand when the baby comes, i may not be putting as much as videos i used to on this channel. You know, i will be busy being a father and all. But i appreciate every bro that has stuck with me through all these years. without you bro's, i wouldn't be where i am right now. And by that, we will end this video with a double brofist!  
We both brofisted the cam and he stopped recording after saying "Stay awesome bro's".

This must had been paradise.

**27th of November**

Things had turned out so great. I made friends with my neighbors. We even bought a dog, a Maltese, because Felix had missed Maya so much.

We had painted Zoe's room in cotton pink, and we furnished the room with the stuff we bought from IKEA. We put everything together by ourselves. Felix even mad a vlog of it.

It had been quite fun watching the video responses that came from other YouTubers like: Smosh, Jacksfilms, Cryaotic... Everyone responded, everyone but Tobuscus.

We had been receiving a lot of fanmail with baby stuff in it, delivered to Felix's P.O. box. But one day, when he was out to Manhattan on the quest for finding a new video game that had been released recently, I received a box sent in my name. After i signed the delivery form, i took the box to the kitchen and cut the cardboard in the middle with a knife. There was a baby-sized bright green t-shirt. I unfolded the t-shirt and saw TOBUSCUS written on it. When i unfolded it, a letter fell.

_"I guess somethings are not meant to be._  
_But i wish you the best._  
_-Toby"_


End file.
